


The Smile That You Gave Me Even When You Felt Like Dying

by Gayformarvel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I miss my wife 2k19, Lesbian Maria Hill, Major Character Injury, Maria Hill Feels, Maria might be dead havnt decided yet, Marvel Universe, Natasha Romanoff in love, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Protective Natasha Romanov, oops i decided, read for a good cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 20:10:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20766251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayformarvel/pseuds/Gayformarvel
Summary: “What’s so funny Romanoff,” she rasped out, her voice rough and low.Natasha stroked her cheek tenderly as she let a smirk slip onto her face.“Just not how I imagined our first kiss would go Hill”





	1. Chapter 1

The radio crackled against Natasha’s hip, the transmission unclear and fuzzy with static. She huffed as sigh as she pulled it from her belt to respond.

“Romanoff to Hill, what’s your status?”

She was hiding out in the garage of an illegal arms dealer SHILED wanted detained, waiting for Maria to give the go-ahead to storm the place. Maria was supposed to have already disabled the security system from the inside, but something was taking too long.

She moved to crouch behind an old wooden crate as she pulled her radio out and sent a signal out to Hill. She furrowed her brows when she got no response form the other agent, so she tried again.

The radio squeaked with static and the choppy sounds of yelling and fighting echoed back to Natasha before it cut out completely. She froze as she heard the loud _bang_ of multiple gunshots erupt inside the house.

“Hill, what’s going on? Do you copy?”

She stared down at the screen of the receiver to check her partners location. The green dot that indicated Hill’s position was eerily still, not a sign of movement. She quickly switched stations and connected a call back to the mission handler.

“This is agent Romanoff, does anyone have eyes on Hill?”

Her stomach clenched up as she waited, the worry in her gut making her feel sick.

“Agent Hill’s signal just cut out, get to her position immediately. Agent you need to be careful, we detected an EMP and we don’t know how long—"

_BOOM..._

The first thing Natasha noticed was the ringing in her ears, then the cold sensation of her face pressed against the concrete floor. Natasha clutched her ears and groaned in pain, everything felt hot and it was so loud but confusingly quiet at the same time. She placed her hands on the floor to try to push herself up, but didn’t feel the glass shards from the window that shattered above her until she had a couple buried in her palm.

She coughed and sputtered as she forced her eyes open, the ringing in her ears disorienting her and causing her head to spin. She quickly gathered her bearings as she pushed herself up off the unforgiving floor of the garage.

“Shit,” she muttered as she held onto the wall to stabilize herself and took a few wheezing breaths of hot smoke-filled air.

Her hearing was starting to come back as Natasha rubbed at her ear, the sounds of tires skidding reminded her that the men she was here for were making a run for it. She was about to go sprint after them, but she stopped dead in her tracks with wide eyes.

Dread filled her gut her as she finally realized that Maria was inside when the explosion went off. She was _still_ in there.

“Oh god,” she murmured as she pushed off the wall and stumbled up the creaky stairs to the door.

She attempted to open the door, only to find it locked. She weakly kicked the door and winced when her sore ribs protested.

She did the only thing she could think of, backed up and ran at the door full speed. She barrelled towards the door with as much pace as she could muster and jumped to clear the steps before colliding with the door. She made a loud noise of discomfort as her side flared up in pain when she broke through the door. She fell flat onto her stomach in a painful uncoordinated heap, but then scrambled up to make her way to the back of the house to where she saw Hill’s last known location.

Debris was scattered around the floor and things were on fire. The smell burning ash was awful and her eyes stung from the smoke. She realized that the explosion must have went off in the kitchen as she rounded the corner. She snatched her gun from its thigh holster and silently stalked through the hallways, making it all the way to the backyard without seeing a single person.

“Hill, Call out!”

Her throat burned from the smoke as she continued to call out for Maria. Her sore lungs burned with discomfort as she keeled over into a coughing fit. Once she got her bearings, she listened intently for a moment before she stepped over a fallen ceiling beam to get through the shattered glass back door.

She had another coughing attack as she hunched over on the grass in the backyard. Her eyes watered from the thickness of the air as she spit blood into the grass. She could tastes the copper tint of the blood on her lips and she knew that coughing up red was not a good sign. 

“Fuck..."

She glanced around the backyard desperately, scanning the ground for any sign of her fallen partner. A quick flash caught her eye, a glint of something bright at the bottom of the pool. She stumbled to the edge of the pool and looked down, seeing a body submerged at the bottom, pinned down by debris. _It was her._

“Maria!”

She threw her gun onto the lawn and sucked in as big as a breath her lungs would allow before she dove into the pool. She swam all the way to the bottom of the pool and got a grip on the debris pinning Maria down. She planted her feet on the bottom and used all her strength to push up, finally freeing Maria from its hold. As soon as Maria was free, she grasped her limp body and pulled her up to the surface even as her lungs screamed in protest. As she broke the surface she sputtered for air and struggled to pull Maria into the shallow end while keeping herself afloat. 

As soon as she could touch the bottom, she heaved Maria into her arms and carried her up the stairs to lay her down on the pools edge. Laying her fingers against her cold neck, she whimpered when she couldn't feel any pulse. She immediately started chest compressions, wheezing as she overexerted her already aching body.

Her skin was pasty white, lips tinted an alarming shade of blue.

“Come on Hill, just breath!”

She paused to tilt her chin up and blow warm air into her lungs as she plugged Maria's nose, giving her a few short breaths before started compressions again.

She rhythmically pushed against Maria's chest with hard thrusts, willing her heart to start again, for her to just _breathe_. 

Another round of compressions and assisted breathing lead to Maria lurching forward to throw up dirty pool water directly into Natasha’s mouth.

Natasha scrambled back onto her ass and spit the contents of her mouth into the grass, gagging and sputtering as she whipped her mouth with that back of her hand.

Maria rolled onto her side as she continued to throw up water and cough, unable to catch her breath as she gasped for air. Her fingers curled into the grass as she pressed her forehead against the ground and grew light-headed from the lack of oxygen.

Natasha quickly slid to her knees beside her once she wasn’t at risk of throwing up anymore.

“Thank god... Just breathe, you’re ok,” she rasped out as she gently moved Maria’s wet hair out of her face.

She rubbed soothing circles on her back through her soaked field jacket and stayed kneeing beside her until she was sure Maria could breathe on her own. Natasha’s own breathing was fast and unsteady, her body still in shock from the explosion and adrenalin.

The impact must have thrown Maria through the back door, into the pool and knocked unconscious at such close range.

“Nat, what hap--”

She interrupted herself with another violent round of coughing and sputtering. Natasha wrapped a comforting arm around her waist and placed a hand on her jaw to rub just behind her ear with her thumb, a gentle touch she knew soothed her. 

“Ok, it's ok. Calm down Masha,” she said before she had a small coughing fit of her own which caused her to squeeze Maria a little too tight.

Maria squeezed her eyes shut and groaned in pain. Natasha quickly let go of her waist and looked at Maria’s pained expression.

“Shit, let me see”

Maria shook her head no and curled further into a ball, her body shivering and dripping icy water.

Maria had never felt so much pain all at once. Her head was pounding, her lungs burned, and now her ribs ached with a sharp stabbing sensation. She could barely grasp what was going on, let alone why she was in the most excruciating pain she has ever known. 

Natasha carefully pushed at her shoulder to roll her onto her back, gently restraining Maria’s wrists when she tried to bat Natasha’s hands away from her jacket zipper.

“I know you’re in pain right now, but I need you to work with me Hill,” she said seriously as she locked eyes with her.

Maria stared back up at her, looking so tired, and gave one last weak attempt to pull her wrists free of Natasha’s grip. Of course it was no use. 

“Are you done?”

Maria huffed a muffled sob and let her head roll to the side to let her temple rest against the chilled ground. Concerned knotted itself in Natasha’s stomach to see Maria like this, confused and exhausted, probably seriously injured as well.

She moved quickly, unzipped her jacket and pushed up the wet material of Maria’s shirt up to examine the skin underneath. Maria’s right upper ribs were red and slightly swollen. Natasha saw the shiver run up Maria’s spine and goosebumps erupt across her skin as the chilly air bit at her exposed body.

“Tell me on a scale of one to ten how much this hurts ok?”

Natasha laid her hand flat on Maria’s sternum and started to apply very light pressure. Instantly Maria yelped and started to cough again, one of her hands shooting out to wrap around Natasha's wrist in a desperate plea to get her to stop.

Natasha moved her hand back to Maria's jaw to rub soothingly at her skin again. She could feel her unsteady pulse fluttering against her fingertips. She watched as Maria calmed down enough to take full breaths, even though they looked shallow and slightly faster than normal.

“Number?”

“Ten,” she wheezed out, still holding tight onto Natasha’s wrist.

Natasha watched her closely, took in the still pale completion of her skin and the fading blue of her quivering lips. She cursed internally as Maria’s eyes started to droop, fluttering as her body threatened to give up on her.

“Hey, stay with me here. Extraction should be here any minute, just don’t fall asleep,” she said as she cupped both of Maria’s cheeks.

Maria made an incoherent noise and nodded slowly in response, an unconvincing agreement that she would stay conscious.

She needed to keep her responsive, do something, _anything_, to keep her mind active enough until the medics got here.

She chuckled sadly as she thought of the perfect thing to talk about to keep Hill awake.

Maria’s bleary gaze shifted to her in confusion.

“What’s so funny Romanoff,” she rasped out, her voice rough and low.

Natasha stroked her cheek tenderly as she let a smirk slip onto her face, keeping up an act to engage Maria into the conversation.

“Just not how I imagined our first kiss would go Hill”

Maria squinted up at her at first, then cracked a small smile.

“Oh yeah? So you're saying you’ve imagined kissing me then?”

The statement came out light and her pitch creaked, but it made her smile nonetheless. Natasha bit her lip at Maria’s quick reply. Even after getting exploded through a window and drowned in a pool she’s still a witty little shit.

“Oh definitely, although it didn’t exactly involve you throwing up in my mouth,” Natasha murmured as she soothed her thumbs across Maria’s cheekbones.

That caused Maria to laugh a little, which caused immense pain to shoot through her body. She groaned and turned her face into one of Natasha’s palms.

“Sorry, sorry. My bad, just breathe,” she soothed as her eyes filled with tears.

Maria took her time to let out a few shuddering breaths.

“Dick,” she murmured weakly.

“That’s me, Agent pain-in-your-ass and now, also a dick,” she laughed tearily as she let out a sniffle.

“That’s you,” she mumbled as her eyes started to droop closed.

Natasha gave her cheek a quick pat, jarring Maria out of her daze momentarily.

“Remember our deal? Give me five more minutes Hill,” she said with a smile, trying to keep her positive even as her bottom lip started to quiver.

She could hear a quinjet landing somewhere nearby, the tell-tale hum of the engine and gusts of wind from the propellers.

“See, almost there, we're so close,” she whispered as she watched Maria’s face start to go slack.

She knew Maria’s body was starting to shut down from the cold, and she had no idea the extent of her chest injury. The chance of her waking up if she fell asleep now was slim.

Natasha’s eyes were glazed with tears as leaned down to gently rest her forehead against Maria’s.

“Nat…”

She spoke so quiet that Natasha almost didn’t hear her. She leaned in as close as she could, Maria’s icy lips grazing her ear.

“I want a real kiss next time,” she murmured as she exhaled her last breath.

Natasha pulled back just enough to watch her expression go slack, the lines smoothed between her eyes and her lips parted.

“No, please…”

Natasha raised a hand to muffle her own sob as her tears finally escaped. She looked at her relaxed face, trying to memorize every detail in case this was the last time she got to see her.

She gently pressed a loving kiss to her forehead, keeping her lips flush against cold skin as she murmured her last promise.

“You can have anything you want if you make it home Masha… anything,” 


	2. Chapter 2

A soft knock at her door roused Natasha out of her light dose. She turned over and buried her head further into her pillows when she heard the door click open. She attempted to hide her eyes from the prying light flooding in from the hallway. 

“Nat?”

The deep voice cut through the silence that encased her room. Her only response was to snuggle deeper into the covers and pretend to be fast asleep, well aware that Steve knew she would have woken up by now.

“Come on Nat, you can’t do this forever,” his gentle tone was meant to bring comfort, but it only caused anger to stir to the surface before she could grapple it down again.

She heard the soft sigh he let out, and then moments later felt the dip of her bed as he sat down beside he, though he made no move to touch her.

“I made pancakes, your favourite,” he tried.

Natasha pulled her arms tighter around her body and groaned in annoyance.

“You’ve got to eat something. You’ve been cooped up in here all week.”

She exhaled loudly and laid there for a moment, before turning onto her back and staring up at the ceiling with a hollow gaze.

“I’m not hungry Steve,” she whispered.

He watched his friend with sad eyes as she stared off. He knew the pain of losing someone he loved, even if he never really got the chance to tell them. It still aches all the same. A gaping hole of nothingness that eats away at every happy memory of them you have left. The physical pain in your chest when you see something that reminds you of them. The hurt of never knowing _what could have been_.

“I know,” he agrees softly. “I know.”

It had been a couple days before Natasha would speak, but only in few soft words. It had taken a week before she let Steve wrap her in his arms and sob into his chest. It’s been almost a month and she can’t bear to leave her room for more than a few hours at a time. She can’t breathe without the vivid memory of Maria dying in her arms playing over and over in her head. She can’t sleep without hearing those words echo through her mind.

_I want a real kiss next time…_

Steve places a hesitant hand on her shoulder over the thick duvet, steadying himself for a retaliation or need for comfort. He was ready for either, but it happened to be the latter.

She turned her body towards Steve and curled around him, propping her head onto his lap and resting her knees against his hip. He tucked a warm hand behind her neck and held her steady, ducking his head down and keeping silent.

They stayed like that for a while, peacefully quiet. Steve let her take all the comfort she needed.

“I don’t know how to move on Steve,” she broke the silence with a pained whimper.

His heart clenched at the words and he moved to wrap his other arm around her waist, wanting to take away her pain that her knows oh too well.

“It takes time. It never goes away; you never fully move on. But someday when you think of her, instead of all the hurt you're feeling right now, you will remember all the happiness and love you shared.”

He could feel her body shaking against his is silent sobs.

“I know it’s impossible to think about that right now, so you know what we’re going to do instead?”

He ran gentle fingers through bright auburn hair, tucking it behind her ear and waiting until she looked back up at him with teary eyes. He gave her a soft smile.

“We’re going to go downstairs, eat some pancakes and have a movie night with a few of the others,” Steve whispered.

Natasha waited until her tears subsided and her breath evened out to respond.

“Ok,” she murmured.

“Yeah? Ok, let’s find you some fresh clothes to throw on alright?”

She nodded before sliding off his and to sit up on the edge of her bed.

He moved across the room to dig around in her drawers, finding a pair of sweatpants and a baggy back t-shirt. He handed them over to her without realizing the last name printed neatly across the back of the shirt.

Natasha took the shirt and looked down at it, just holding it in her hands.

Steve took notice and immediately apologized, getting up quickly to find her a new shirt before Natasha stopped him.

“It’s ok Steve.”

“Are you sure?”

He nervously scratched the back of his neck with guilt.

She stared down at the "HILL" in all white letter on the old army shirt in her hands and smiled softly at the memory of when Maria gave it to her.

“_You better give this back Romanoff, don’t make me hunt you down. I don’t just give out my shirts to anyone,” Maria joked with a mischievous glint in her eye._

_“Aye aye captain,” Natasha smirked right back as she pulled it over her head, weary of the gunshot wound gracing her shoulder._

“Yeah, I’ll meet you down there. I need a shower.”

“Ok, I’ll keep the food warm,” he gave a little two finger solute before retreating out of her room.

She listened to his footsteps getting further away, and only when she knew she was really alone, did she raise the material to her face and breathe in Maria’s lingering scent.

After she showered and got dressed in the clothes Steve selected for her, she made her way downstairs to find Wanda, Sam, Tony and Steve all placed in various seats around the TV as some corny movie played.

Steve noticed her first she said, “pancakes are on the counter, I already made you a plate.”

She softly thanked him and grabbed it on her way over to the couch, plopped down next to Wanda and started to pick her food. She hadn’t realized it how late it was and how long it had been since her last meal. She hasn’t been able to keep track of time lately.

Everyone greeted her with warm welcoming smiles, and it almost started to ease the pain in her heart. Almost. 

Once she polished off the first starchy delight, she placed her on the side table and tried to focus on the movie. Wanda looked over at her with concern and frowned at her lack of interest.

“Come here Nat,” Wanda whispered out.

Natasha turned towards her to see her leaned back against the couch with her arms open and inviting. She glanced to the movie and back towards Wanda, though her decision was already made. She shuffled across the couch and settled herself into Wanda’s warms, turning in Wanda’s grip of the witch could hold her snug against her own warm body. Natasha laid her head back to rest on Wanda’s shoulder, grateful for the comfort she provided.

Wanda sighed into her hair knowingly.

“We’ve got you ok? Anything you need, we're all her for you,” she whispered.

It was all Natasha could do to nod and stay silent, to hold back the wave of emotions that was just ripped out of her. She let the tears build until they slid down her cheeks, but didn’t bother to wipe them away.

Instead she turned to bury her face into Wanda’s sweater, one hand clutched her friends clothing while the other tangled its finger in the material of Maria’s shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I decided not to have the happy ending :(  
But i hope you still enjoyed it!   
Feel free to leave a suggestions on what the next Blackhill AU should be about, I'm open to suggestions :)

**Author's Note:**

> So i have not decided if Maria dies or not yet, should i continue this?


End file.
